Sadness

My own idea, for what it is worth, is that all sadness which is not now either arising from the repentance of a concrete sin and hastening towards concrete amendment or restitution, or else arising from pity and hastening towards active assistance, is simply bad. I think we all sin by needlessly disobeying the apostolic injunction to 'rejoice' as much as by anything else.
--C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

I was reminded of this quote as I tried to sort through the negative emotions I've been feeling this week. I've felt as if I am (somewhat unsuccessfully) fighting off a depression that's seeking to envelop me. And I've begun to ask myself: if this is sadness I'm feeling, what is the cause? What could possibly be the justification?

I think we all sin by needlessly disobeying the apostolic injunction to 'rejoice' as much as by anything else.

Have I then fallen into even more sin? Have I allowed myself to commit the treacherous act of Self Pity? Is that why I feel this way? Am I thus in need of repentence?

As I ask myself these questions, I am inclined to answer No to all of the above. I just don't feel like that's the cause. Granted, self pity climbs it's way in much easier when depression of other sorts has already paved the way; but I honestly feel, and hope, that this feeling of mine is stemming from something else.

So what is it that's hindering me from "rejoicing" lately? Surely I have nothing to complain about. My life is ordered, organized, amply cushioned and relatively stress free. I'm surrounded by a community of people who love me even when I'm not so nice to be around, and I'm blessed with the opportunities to pursue almost anything I feel called to do.

To find the root of this, I began recapping the events leading up to this "state" of mine...

Last Tuesday: the Haiti earthquake

Last Friday: watched/read the news for the first time in way too long. More on the Haiti Earthquake aftermath

Saturday: Homeless ministry... here's where it really hit:
1.) One man whom none of us had really seen before, approached a few people to talk. He was clearly intoxicated, which became much more evident when he burst into a fit of rage a few minutes into the conversation. Topic: the church. He was quizzing someone about theology when suddenly he went off about how the doors of the church are always closed. Cursing and yelling, he wouldn't let the students get a word of rebuttle in edgewise. He had was acquanted with the establishment. He knew what they were there for. To comfort people of privelege with words of inspirtation and sunday brunch, and to lock out the homeless and the sinners...My aggrevation with the church

2.) A woman went on a rant to a friend of mine about her economic strife. How the government "stole her money" and then treated her as the criminal. How they pretend to be the hero but offer her no help...My aggrevation with the empire

3.)A man who I had not met before approached me while I was standing by the clothes to ask if I could help him find a sweater. Looking very distressed, he asked "Ablas Espanol?" and I had to dissappointedly motion to him and say, "only 'un pequito'." After I let him know that could not find any men's sweaters he reached out his hand to shake mine and murmured, "Antonio." I shook his hand and responded with "Nina." And just seconds after we had formally met he had leaned his head into my shoulder and begun to quietly sob. Unsure exactly how to react, I just asked, "ooh what's wrong?" He looked up with despairing eyes, and pointing one finger to his temple, said in broken English, "Me want to kill me." Wow... what do you say to that? I felt helpless. The language barrier taunted me like a rock wall I new I couldn't scale. There was so much I would have wanted to tell him but I couldn't. The only think I could think to do was ask if I could pray for him. And so I pulled him aside and prayed as he continued to bury his head in my shoulder and cry. When I finished he simply looked up, sniffled, said a shy thank-you, and walked away still looking as distressed as when he had arrived. Had he even understood what I said? And did I even say enough? ...My aggrevation with myself.


compassion: a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.

So is this what compassion is supposed to feel like? A deep sadness that weighs down on you until you do something about it? A state of mind in which jokes uttered within the walls of comfort cease to be funny? How could I laugh while people suffer and die at the hands of the Oppressor? It seems so unjust.

Yet if this is just a smidgeon of compassion resulting from only a few encounters with those who suffer, how much more then must be the agony of the Compassion of our God, who sees it all? And who wishes to alleviate it, but can't stop the free will which brings about our fallen state...

However I deal with my own, I cannot let it filter into my day to day mood and trigger a lethargical depression and desire for isolation. If I'm not doing anything about it, then what's the use of being a vessel of such negative energy? Sadness is still sadness no matter where or what it arises from, right? And sadness can't possibly be good, can it?

Well I think it can be, but only as long as it affects a hastening to active assistance. Our solemn awareness is not enough. God doesn't want us to simply walk around with our heads hung low. Compassion is not about sulking. We may feel powerless to help, but we are not! We can do something about suffering: even if I can't offer Antonio a place to sleep and a way out of poverty, I can still give him a cup of coffee and a prayer for now, and commit myself to being an advocate for the poor in the future. We can't let the presence of pain an suffering freeze us to the point where we do nothing at all.

I think that's what my problem was this week. I was beginning to lose hope, and that's one of the most dangerous things we can do. We can't allow ourselves to despair, no matter how big and strong and vast our adversary seems. We can't forget that we are on the winning side. And that the Kingdom is on it's way with every act of heartfelt compassion.

And that, in itself is reason enough to rejoice.

I will betroth you to me forever;
I will betroth you in righteousness and justice,
in love and compassion.
I will betroth you in faithfulness,
and you will acknowledge the LORD. -Hosea 2:19-20